apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
