mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
