I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
