How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
