if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize