i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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