Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
