Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
