I wish I could punch you in the face.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
