i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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