Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
