8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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