sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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