I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
