i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
