Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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