Did you just see the Batmobile???
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
