he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
