I'm really into asian looking animals
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
