Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
