I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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