FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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