my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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