Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
50% drunk capacity currently
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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