I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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