Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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