Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
