Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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