its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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