Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
