Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
