i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
