11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
