What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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