fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
so much tequila, so little girl.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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