90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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