um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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