ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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