I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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