be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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