Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
