Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you never un-have a 4some
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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