Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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