I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
