I cannot find my penis.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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