Your dad touched me again.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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