I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
