genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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