The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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