I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
