Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have aggressive nipples.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
