I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
third nipple confirmed
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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