you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
