Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
